Sex-Less In The Country–Spark or no spark–that is the question

Ok, awhile back I admitted I met someone. After two years conversing over the internet which accelerated to almost daily hour long phone conversations, I had to admit I was crazy about this guy. In every conceivable way, we meshed. When we had a problem or a misunderstanding, which was very rare, we both talked it over until it was solved. That was a rarity for me. Finally came the day when he sent me a plane ticket and paid for a motel so we could finally meet in person. I won’t tell you of my anticipation. I was as nervous as a rat in a room full of cats.

When we finally met, being with him was as comfortable as wearing a favorite pair of jeans. As he took the time to show me around his hometown, which included spending a few hours at the local pub, I couldn’t be happier. Finally, I was with a man who understood me. Totally completely, in every way. And I surprisingly understood him. I’d never been with someone who I felt so compatiable with. And it felt good. . .

There was only one problem. One slight irritation that bothered me. When we met, there was no spark. I didn’t see fireworks. I didn’t see stars or feel woozy. I felt nothing.

Well, what the hell is that spark anyway? Sexual attraction? Animal magnatism? I’d felt that spark before with previous men in my life but we didn’t get along otherwise. Wasn’t it more important that we are compatiable in every way? That we can talk so freely and easily? I told myself I don’t need the spark. Not even knowing what the hell that is really, it’s unimportant. Or is it? I can live without it. Or can I?

I asked all my friends when I got home: do you need the spark? Does it HAVE to be there for a relationship to be successful?

Most of my friends said ‘yes’. I had a few friends who are still with their significant others who said they didn’t feel the spark for the longest time. It came only after they’d been together a year or so. Another friend said you have to sleep together first for the spark to be there. It doesn’t just ‘happen’ right away. It takes time to develop.

I was lost in my own head for longer than I care to admit, trying to figure it out. He offered to sell all he has to come over to my neck of the woods to be with me. I was even seriously contemplating renting out my place to go be with him. But was that the right thing to do–with no spark?

I finally decided the spark definately has to be there. If it isn’t, and I’m with him and met someone down the road who I did have a spark for, I could see myself leaving him for the spark. Not that I’d do that particularly. But I’d want to. And that was the bottom line.

My son says since I turned down his offer and wisely decided to stay in my own place where I belong, that I’ve blown my final chance for happiness. Over a teeny weeny no nothing spark.

Did I do the right thing?

What do YOU think?

Spark or no spark?

Was it there when you met your significant other?

Inquiring minds wanna know. . .         

Sex-Less in The City 4 Final Chapter?

It’s all my girlfriend’s fault.

Right after we met a year ago, she told me she met her husband online.

She entered a chat room, he started talking to her and it went from there.

“This was back in the days of dial up,” she said with a grin. “You know, that god awful noise when you did connect and then it’d lose connection all the time. Not like DSL nowadays. It would have been a lot easier now.”

After they talked a few months, she flew to meet him. And the rest, as they say is history. He moved to Washington to be with her. They got married. That was fifteen years ago. They’ve been happy together ever since.

No offense to her but I half listened to her story.

I know full well statistics say one in four relationships begin online but I don’t enter chat rooms. I am not looking for a relationship and if I did, it wouldn’t be with someone online and/or long distance.

While online on Facebook one day, I was shocked to receive a message from an old acquaintance. He was once married to a friend of mine and my then husband and I used to visit him and his wife at least once a year in another state. Eventually they divorced and we lost touch. That was over thirty years ago.

We started talking via Facebook and those initial few sentences turned into long paragraphs and then after we got tired of typing, we began talking on the phone.

And now, in three days, I’ll be boarding a plane to meet him.

And I’m terrified.

The truth is: I’m afraid of flying. No, scratch that. I’m afraid of crashing. My last two plane trips were so full of turbulence, I was certain the planes were crashing. I wasn’t the only one terrified. Some passengers cried, some screamed and others prayed aloud. I think I did all three before the planes leveled off and touched down safely. Back to back terrifying flying experiences made me phobic. I have avoided getting on a plane for almost twenty years. I can’t even force myself to fly to visit my daughter in Florida.

When Mr. Wonderful sent me the plane ticket and two prepaid days in a motel, I was/am terrified but at the same time, excited. I didn’t know the two emotions were compatible.

Contemplating the trip, I have gone through a gambit of emotions.

What if the ‘spark’ isn’t there?

What if he turns out to be a real asshole?

What if he’s turned off by my looks?

What if he doesn’t like me?

What if he’s a serial killer?

What if, what if, what if????

I have nearly driven myself crazy with the what ifs.

I have very nearly called off the trip a dozen times. What ifs can be paralyzing.

And now, three days before I board the plane, I have decided to ignore the ‘what ifs’.

“I’m excited for you,” my girlfriend beamed. “I just know you’re going to have a great time. Go and enjoy. Nothing ventured is nothing gained. Sometimes you have to risk. I did and you can see how that turned out.”

So pulling up my big girl panties as they say, I am going to risk. I am going to fly and I am going to meet him and it’s gonna be great. I just know it.

I don’t know if this is a bona fide ‘love connection’. But somehow that doesn’t matter to me.

I just want to see him. I just want to be with him a little while and see what happens.

Each journey begins with that first step.

The bottom line is, one is never too old to risk; to try something new; to boldly go where one has never gone before.

Wish me luck.

See ya all when I get back. . .

Sex-Less In the City 3

Okay, I admit it. I met someone. Backing up for a moment, we didn’t actually ‘meet’.

Through circumstances too long to explain, an old acquaintance who I haven’t seen in 30 years looked me up on Facebook and we’ve been ‘talking’ regularly via the internet for almost two years. Those internet messages have progressed to almost daily telephone calls. Due to commitments, he can’t make the trip over here. And I can’t seem to get the time off work to go over there. So there you have it.

I was never one to have an internet ‘relationship’ nor do I believe long distance relationships work very well or for very long. At least for me.
The problem is: neither one of us want to move. He has a beautiful huge house in another state and I have my not-so-huge house in Puyallup, Washington. We both have our own lives with our own friends and family. Both of us are settled where we are. So the only sensible thing to do would be to end the ‘relationship’, as it’ll obviously go nowhere, right?

The problem with that is: I don’t want to. He makes me laugh–a lot. He sees humor in me, himself, life and others. That gift is priceless to me. I’ve always said life is too hard to be taken seriously. And deep down inside, I always knew I’d fall for a guy who made me laugh.
So, to bring you up to date, now the opportunity may have come up for me to move closer to him. A great job with great pay, great bennies and a month of vacation after one year.

Assuming I ace the job interview, assuming I’m even offered the job, should I move?

Should I leave my hometown, everything I’ve ever known and everything I’ve built just to pursue this great job—and to be closer to a man I may possibly want to spend the rest of my life with?

Now, I may be many things but I’m not stupid. I already figured out I could rent my house while I’m away to the two room-mates I already have. They could pay the bills while I rent an apartment elsewhere. So I’d always have a home to come back to—just in case.

I also know I’m not getting any younger. Some of my friends and family died unexpectedly. One day, there were here and then they were gone. Just like that. Some, with no warning at all.

So whatever I chose to do, I must make up my mind quickly.

I guess the real question is: should I risk it all to grab that elusive brass ring?

I’m looking for advice here.

Would you?

Sex-Less In The City

One my sons said to me recently, “Ah Mom, at your age, who cares? Your kids are grown. You’re older now. How long do you think you’re gonna live? Just have fun now and be a ‘ho’.”

What?

I find it incredibly interesting that some believe relationships and sex are the same thing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no prude. I’ve had fabulous roles in the hay with fabulous men—most of whom I remember fondly.

In my 20’s, after being recently divorced, I decided to ‘sow my oats’. That was during the disco era.

At the time, my main objective was to find the cutest guy in the bar and take him home. I was successful most of the time. In my 20’s, if I don’t mind saying so myself, I was hot. And I was a good dancer.

Bear in mind, this was before the AIDS era. And I was also naïve to STD’s. Fortunately, I managed to escape both though I shake my head now at how close I came to catching one or the other.

All of that was fun—for awhile.

One night, after another stud came home with me, I woke up the next morning and realized I didn’t even know his name. I know that sounds terrible. And it is. In my quest to feel young, beautiful and desirable, I wasn’t picky.

After he left, I realized I didn’t want to do this anymore. It wasn’t fun. I decided there’s a vast difference between ‘getting off’ and ‘making love’. They’re worlds apart. To me, what makes sex fantastic is not the physical act per se but the feelings behind the movements. What makes it special is actually caring about who I’m with.

That was the end to my being a ‘ho’. And I sure don’t want to go back there. Not for anything.

Television advertises that 1 in 4 relationships now happen on line. In my quest to find ‘the one’, I joined two or three internet dating services. I refuse to pay so I didn’t go with the big ones; I chose smaller, obscure ones. After agonizing over what to say about myself, I finally wrote what I considered to be acceptable, uploaded a photo that didn’t make me look too bad and waited for the responses. They came alright.

One man sent me a photo of his erect member. Wow. That impressed me. NOT.

Though my profile said I was merely looking for friends, I received several responses that said “friends with benefits, right?”

Which brings me to another point. Is that all men are looking for? Someone to sleep with? Period?

“Yes,” one of my male friends nodded his head. “Men don’t care about relationships. They hate the R word. All they care about is sex. Men are born to procreate. And that’s what we do until the day we die.”

I had another male friend tell me, “men have to sleep with somebody first before they start to care about them. That’s just the way we’re wired. So sleep with them first and then see if it develops into something more.”

Is he right?

Is it a fairy tale for me to believe that we have to be friends first, for the sex to be truly outstanding, I have to care about him before we sleep together—and then it might develop into something more?

Am I being unrealistic?

What are men my age looking for anyway?

Just sex?

Is my ‘delusional’ thinking the reason why I’m still alone?

Sex-Less In the City

Sex-Less In The City

Ok, I admit it. I’m a huge Carrie Bradshaw fan. The moment I saw the television show, “Sex in the City” I was hooked.

For those of you who have never seen the show, ‘Carrie’ is a writer living in New York City and has a weekly column revolving around sex and relationships. She and her three friends, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte are all single and Carrie incorporates their true to life stories dating various men (and in Samantha’s case, sometimes women) in her column.

Of course, the difference between these women and me are obvious. They’re all smart, funny, talented, fashionable and drop dead gorgeous. All these women were in their mid 20’s when the show started. I’m not drop dead gorgeous (I wish) and not in my 20’s anymore. However, the dating similarities between them and me cannot be ignored.

Therefore, I decided to start my own true to life column. Mine is more appropriately entitled ‘Sex-Less in the City’.

__________

Loneliness is a Disease

I woke up one morning recently and realized I’m actually lonely. To admit that, was a huge breakthrough on my personal awareness scale.

Of course, there are reasons for that.

Nearly thirty years earlier, I became involved in a career that literally took up my entire life. A 24/7 business, by necessity, I worked around the clock.

Due to circumstances too long to chronicle here, that career ended.

Finally having time to myself, it was like waking up out of a deep sleep. I looked around and all my former friends/boyfriends were gone. I’m even estranged from parts of my family.

I didn’t do any of that on purpose. When friends/family/men called asking me to attend some important event, I never could get the time off from work. Over the years, when they kept calling and still I was unable to attend, they finally walked the other way. I don’t blame them. I would have done the same thing.

Now, in my 50’s, I don’t feel old. I’m still relatively healthy, have most of my own teeth and hair. I don’t walk with appliances, thank God. But in the eyes of society, I am considered old.

I hadn’t even really thought about it until I started counting on my fingers and realized that most of my life has already passed. I’ll be lucky if I have another twenty years left before I kick the bucket. And that thought scared the hell out of me.

“It’s too late for you now,” my mother told me. “No offense but most people pair up when they’re young and are still together in their old age. The best you can hope for now is maybe finding a widower. Some lonely old man who needs somebody.”

What?

I have one good friend who hangs around me and my house all the time. Actually, he’s an ex—for very good reasons. Sometimes when I was particularly lonely, I’d look at him seriously. After less than 10 seconds of contemplation, I’d shake my head ‘no’. To be with him, would mean settling for something considerably less than what I really want. I didn’t ‘settle’ back in the day and don’t want to now. I’d rather be alone.

“How long has it been since you’ve dated?” One of my close female coworkers asked me seriously.

“Eleven years,” I answered almost embarrassed.

“Eleven years?” Her eyes bulged. “Geez. I don’t know what to say.”

I didn’t know what to say either.

I don’t feel the need to apologize for any of those years. It isn’t like I was desperate to find a man——and made an ass out of myself in my quest to find one.

More accurately, I was just busy living my life and didn’t think about it as the years passed. It wasn’t a high priority.

Now, of course, I feel somewhat differently.

I think back now to when I had someone in my life and how nice that was. To pick up a phone and call and share and be intimate. Ahhhh. . .I remember that being very nice. Even when those relationships didn’t work out for one reason or another, they were nice as long as it lasted.

That’s when I decided that maybe I’d like that again. And I only made that decision recently.

“You’ll only find someone when you’re not looking,” another close girlfriend told me knowingly.

“I tried that for years. I didn’t look and still, no one came along.”

“Still don’t look. That’s your best bet.”

Is she right? By not looking, what you’re looking for magically appears? Is that some kind of karma secret that has any basis in fact?

All I really know is: Loneliness is a disease. It creeps into your life without one being aware of it and then it kinda infects you with a dull ache all over.

Since I’m a writer myself, I thought it might be interesting to chronicle my true to life adventures in my quest to find ‘the one’.

Stay tuned.

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know about Bella

1. When I found Bella at the pound, she was less than a month old. Her owners dropped her off saying they didn’t want her. I can’t imagine why. She’s the cutest, smartest dog I’ve ever owned and the most obedient.
2. As part of the adoption agreement, I knew the original owners had up to 30 days to reclaim her. I was on pins and needles hoping to god that wouldn’t happen.
3. Bella, has her own ‘fan club’. People come over to my house to specifically see her rather than me. (Not that I mind!)
4. If Bella really likes you, the moment you see her, she’ll flip onto her back and beg you to rub her belly. She’s very fussy over who she allows to do this!
5. Bella thinks she’s a cat. She’s been around cats all her young life and she tries to jump on the top of fences and climb trees like my cats do. When she doesn’t make it, she barks and barks as if out of frustration.
6. Originally, I was going to name her Lucky. Because I thought we were both lucky to have found each other. My sis Chris suggested Bella instead and Mike/Dawn Beakley agreed that was a fine name. It means beautiful in Italian. So be it.
7. Bella plays with one of my cats, Fancy. They wrestle on the ground and chase each other then when they collapse on the ground, exhausted from playing, they nuzzle each other affectionately. I have video as proof! Come to think of it, I should post it on Facebook.
8. My dog loves riding in the car. When I had her only four days, we went to Yakima together. She sits on the passenger side, puts her paws on the dash and looks out the front window. She’s ridden up to five hours in the car at one stretch and never leaves the passenger side which is very cool cuz she doesn’t interfere with my driving. Soon we’ll be taking a six hour drive together to Idaho.
9. Bella’s afraid of big dogs. She coweres behind my legs when one comes too close.
10. Last but not least, my dog watches tv. She’ll sit on the couch next to me and watch the screen like she’s interested in the show. But not for long. She falls asleep. Not unlike my ex husband.

EMPLOYERS WANTED

Authors Note: After researching jobs at Worksource, Craigslist and other sites for days, weeks, and almost a month, I’ve come up with my own job description for employers. Please read with a smile.

*Must realize that employee has a life outside of the workplace thus needs to work one shift, regular hours, 40 hours a week and not require employee to work all shifts, flexible shifts, on call or in a ‘pool’.

*Must understand employee is not independently wealthy, has not won the lotto, has no other source of income and since creditors appreciate being paid on time, employee needs a guaranteed wage not based on commission.

*Must allow employee to lift reasonable weight that doesn’t break employees back (25 pounds) not 70 pounds or more.

*Must be willing to offer benefits such as health insurance. Dental, Vision, Life, Disability is optional.

*Must be willing to appreciate employee who shows up on time for work every day, gets along with everybody, has a positive attitude and always willing to pitch in to get the job done even if that means working overtime and/or assisting other departments.

*Must be willing to appreciate employee who is dedicated and loyal to the company and goes the extra mile to assist the employer in meeting (exceeding) company objectives.

*Must be willing to appreciate healthy, mature employee and realize baby boomers have much more to contribute to the workforce than a young adult who doesn’t have the benefit of work experience and/or life’s wisdom.

*Must appreciate employee who thinks ‘outside the box’ when other solutions won’t work.

*With the excessive price of gas, must be local and not require employee to travel as part of the job.

*Must be willing to offer employee a long time permanent position.

*Must be willing to promote from within.

*Must have a sense of humor and realize this is written (mostly) tongue in cheek.

To apply for this position, immediately contact potential employee: pphree@yahoo.com